Your weiner should not look like this condom-wrapped pepper: it is a visual metaphor for the weiner only. Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Troubleshooting Your Weiner

Turn your weiner’s frown upside down!

Calder Holbrook
3 min readOct 23, 2021


Weiners can do some amazing, and even essential things. But sometimes weiners don’t work right. If your weiner is not working right, it may be broke. These frequent problems may unbreak your weiner!

Sleepy Peepee

Have you used your weiner a ton lately? It may be tired. Weiners need sleep just like you. If yours is having a sleep disorder, it could be because your pants are not comfy. Try building your weiner a lil’ bed! To make sure your weiner knows the weiner bed is for it, write weiner, or its name if it has one, on the side of the bed in tasteful but fun script. And don’t cheap out on the mattress, cheap ass. Get a good one from podcast ads.

Peepee shoots hot sparks everywhere

Is your weiner firing bright, hot sparks all over the place when you try to use it, or when you don’t try to use it? It’s highly likely that you have a robo-weiner. If you are a robot, then this may not be any cause for concern in itself, but robot or human, your weiner should not be firing sparks. Plug it up with a cork. And unless the cork in your robo pee-hole catches fire, don’t interrupt my nap.

Peepee acts like it’s such hot shit

If your weiner has been conducting itself in a somewhat arrogant fashion as of late, you probably are pretty pissed off at it, and no wonder! Weiners should be humble. They shouldn’t act like their shit don’t stink. Because it does, weiner. It stinks bad. That’s me putting my own weiner in its place, not yours. Only you can school your own weiner (in private, don’t be a weirdo/sex offender).

Peepee is chronically late

We all know when weiners are supposed to clock in: 8am. You are not crazy for expecting an honest day’s weiner work for an honest day’s pay. If your peepee is frequently late, effectively playing you for a chump and spending your money with its weiner buddies at some dumbass honky tonk bar, there’s only one thing to do: Write it up. When your weiner comes up for performance review, see if it gets a raise like normal. Then, it’ll shape up or ship out. Good luck at the unemployment office, weiner.



Calder Holbrook

Calder Holbrook is an LA comedy writer, and an actor most recently seen in Peacock's A.P. Bio.

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