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Class, Look to Your Left. Now Look to your Right (for Reasons Unknown to Me as a Professor).

This is as far as I got in learning to teach a college course

Welcome to my class, students of Bateman College. Now, I want you to do one thing first of all. Look to your left. Now, look to your right. Now, uh… look to your left again. And I guess your right again now? I’m sure you’re wondering what this is about.

And honestly, I do not know. What I know is that when you start teaching a college class, you start by having the students look at each other. And what happens after that, I do not know.

I mean, ha ha! Of course I know what happens after that, Dean King! I’m delighted you joined us today! Because obviously I was just about to explain that the object of having the students look to their left and their right is, of course, to ensure that no cars are approaching the classroom and they may walk across it in safety! Because in my class: safety first. Right?

Not that I think cars are going to be on the third floor of the building! I like to have a good time in my classroom. I think that’s conducive to, uh, LEARNING. No no, obviously the real reason I asked my class to look to their left and then to their right is… as a warm up exercise!

Because in the learning process, there is a lot of looking, and if you are not warmed up, you could pull something! Like your NECK. And therefore, having had you look left and right… you are ready to look at things with your whole head! Ok! Now keep your head still but look left and right with just your eyes!

And what I hope you picked up on from doing THAT- is — that that is NOT what the looking around is about, I’m ready to tell you after seeing that you know that’s not it! And that the TRUE REASON that you start the class by looking to your left and your right is that being a classroom, there is invariably a loose rat that if you see you should point out so that it should be caught.

No. The thing is, one of the people in this room is the killer!

There’s a golden snitch, and if you are able to catch it, class is over!

The human head is like a jar lid that just comes off if it’s rotated enough, and I’m a big sicko who gets off on seeing death! Tell me if I’m getting warmer!

Okay, okay. It’s truth time. I honestly do not know why you look left and right. When I was at teacher school, I drank a million sodas waiting for my first class to start. So by the time it started I had to whizz like a race horse. And the first thing the teacher said was to look to your left and then to your right. But by the time she started saying the next thing, I was out the door to go whizz.

And instead of the bathroom, I accidentally found myself in the getting your diploma room. And I had to whizz too bad to explain the confusion, so I just took the diploma and went to whizz at home where knew where the bathroom was.

And when I tried to come back to class the next day, I accidentally went to a room where I was the teacher. So that brings us up to now. All my cards are on the table. I’m sorry for letting you down, class.

Uh, ha ha, that is to say, what you just heard me say was all an act! Because I think the best way to learn is if you can come up with the answers yourself! Does someone know why I did that? Yes yes yes, you!

…Oh, is that why? That just seems mean.

Calder Holbrook is an LA comedy writer, and an actor most recently seen in Peacock's A.P. Bio.

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