Sign in

Calder Holbrook
Photo by Michael & Diane Weidner on Unsplash

We welcome your visit to the O’Halloran Apple Orchard in picturesque Appleton, Wisconsin. To make the most of your visit, we hope you’ll peruse these frequently asked questions.

It’s called the O’Halloran Apple Orchard. What’s an O’Halloran?
I am. I’m Thomas O’Halloran. With my sister Ann, I co-own this orchard that has been in our family for three generations.

But what’s an O’Halloran?
It’s a name. An Irish surname.

Does the O’Halloran Apple Orchard have anything other than apples?
The O’Halloran Apple Orchard, as the name suggests, exclusively grows apples.

Then why do visitors to the O’Halloran Apple Orchard sometimes…


The best key parties have rules…

First of all, we are so delighted that our best friends in the world, the only people that my wife and I want to go outside our marriage to have sex with, are all here. Welcome. You know where the restroom is- and where the bedrooms are, wink wink- and there are plenty of refreshments and condoms on hand. …


Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

As you are probably aware, a salmonella outbreak in California’s central valley has forced stores nationwide to pull eye of newt from their shelves. Inconvenient, to be sure- but you certainly don’t want to get seriously ill as a result of a potion you made to make someone fall in love with you!

The good news is that there are many substitutes that work perfectly well in the meantime. Here are just a few:

Eye Of Toad

It’s virtually the same eye. In fact, eye of toad has long had an inferiority complex of sorts, but in some ways it’s an improvement! For…


Humor

Photo by Patrick Robert Doyle on Unsplash

Now hear this, my pitiful peons! This is the voice of your leader, Dr. Malevolent. And yes, let me address the obvious: we didn’t take over the world.

But does that make ‘Operation Diabolical’ a failure? Sure, if you adopt the narrowest possible view of what “success” means. We didn’t take over the world. We didn’t exterminate the inferior human race and replace it with the progeny of my hand-picked genetic elite. We didn’t kill Special Agent Nichols. And I am, as we speak, bleeding out after a violent confrontation with him.

But enough of “The Didn’ts”, which as you…


beePhoto by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

Booze in bottles that are like, 11.something ounces have evaded responsibility for their actions for too long. And that’s what “cancel culture” is really about- not just ending someone’s place in society, or a beer’s place in society for not being enough booze to give a good buzz for the buck. It’s about accountability. Accountability for being an emasculating quantity of alcohol.

I find the following alcohols guilty, and sentence them to cancelling:

Peroni

This “fancy” Italian beer seems like it’s going to be great. …


Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

Comedy

First of all, I’m flattered that you think I’m the greatest snitch of all time. But I must decline your request to “pick my brain” about stool-pigeoning. There are some things you just don’t spill your guts about when it comes to spilling your guts.

To me, a mouthy hanger-on in the heavily honor-based field of organized crime, the way in which I tell what I know is one thing I know that I do not tell. There is simply a sacred trust between myself and those to whom I break the trust between myself and other persons, and that…


Photo by Hector Laborde on Unsplash

Dearest Winifred,

I had the most singular experience at lunch today, dining with my usual chums from the cream of Jazz Age literati at the Russian Tea Room, that I rushed to dash off a missive to you about it.

The discussion began most normally with talk among us of how Wilton’s lusty new novel had caused QUITE the stir. To put it mildly! Elizabeth herself opined that while society KNOWS there are unmarried women, confronted with one it goes into conniptions.

She then quickly diverted attention, to Mr. Ewing’s new work of shockingly pointed satire, which she alleged had…


Photo by Cofohint Esin on Unsplash

Being in the work force is as hard as it has ever been. Whether you are now working from home or still going to an office, the hours are long and increasingly blurred with your personal time, the tasks are unrewarding, and the coworkers can be difficult to deal with. So have you tried beating your own boss?

Allow me to share a personal story: I was very unhappy in my work, once. And I was not even being compensated for that with significant financial remuneration. You will agree that this is an untenable situation! I decided to have a…


Photo by Stijn Swinnen on Unsplash

If you’re like me, you can’t be bothered to form a more complex picture of your father than the single interest that you know for a fact he has, wars. The problem is, the good, fun wars have been tapped. You got him Band Of Brothers. You got him Ken Burns’ The Civil War. And now, you’re running on fumes. What a shame that those wars only lasted a few monstrously bloody years apiece, huh?

That’s what you think! Unbeknownst to the American public, a secret US government policy was enacted to keep fighting towards no tangible war objectives for…


Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

Naming your cat is a big decision with long-lasting implications. You will say this name a lot, in anger. You will pleadingly say this name. Perhaps a couple times you might say it with affection. So it better be good. But paralysis by cat name analysis is real. And cat naming magazine subscriptions are both expensive and lengthy. Who needs 3 whole years of Cat Namer? Plus it’s a weekly!

But I’m here to help! The following are the major categories of cat names that you can pare down to as a preliminary eliminating step.

Species

Just call a spade a…

Calder Holbrook

Calder Holbrook is an LA comedy writer, and an actor most recently seen in Peacock's A.P. Bio.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store