Full disclosure: this was originally an open letter to the PGA about how they needed to be addressing Covid-19 concerns as they hold events. But as I wrote about ‘hygiene theater’ and vaccine priorities, I came to a horrifying realization: this open letter is an open portal. And on the other side of that portal? Ravenous demons who want to eat our souls.

I hasten to say that no one is more aware than I that the loss of our entire realm is too high a price to pay for even a very incisive take on pro golf in the…

Radio callers are a rich and varied group, some of which are deeply unpleasant and even potentially dangerous, and others of which are quite enriching and delectable to the taste. But it’s important that you know which is which, lest you be killed by the natural toxins that some put off. Of course, you can be safest by only eating radio callers from your grocery store’s produce section, but for the adventurous, this guide will allow you to ply a fun hobby without fear of illness.

First Time, Long Time

This is a caller who has listened to the show…

Now, you look like a fella who knows a good business opportunity when you see one. And is that a spouse that’s easy on the eyes or is that a spouse who’s easy on the eyes? It’s neither? My mistake. The point is, everyone can use more money, and I’m about to put a bunch more in your pocket.

You know heaven? That’s right, the afterlife in the clouds we all look forward to if we don’t blow too much money on the ladies and one armed bandits in Vegas every time we get half a chance, ha ha!

What…

Your honor, I stand accused of a very serious crime: conspiracy to commit armed robbery. But in this great land, everyone is entitled to their day in court. And while it’s been said that he who represents himself has a fool for a client, I do not think that will prove to be the case when you hear what I have to say for myself in light of these charges. And that is that it makes no sense that we say a three point shot in basketball is shot from “downtown”.

Now, the state’s attorney alleges that Arnold Stivers, Ernesto…

Hoo boy, am I having a time of it. Well, why bury the lead? I was at a tea party, as you do, sampling a flight of teas, which is basically a bunch of very small teacups on a long wooden board. It’s great because you get to sample a wide variety of teas, but it’s also hard because the teacups are smaller than the tea bags, so that’s a whole lot of shit to figure out.

Long story short — I’m trying to be classy. And I don’t think I have to defend myself for that. I’m not an…

One of the most fun and rewarding categories of writing to ply your trade in is that old stalwart, the murder mystery. But setting up a juicy mystery is usually much easier than paying it off. But help is here! If you have started writing a whodunnit but are struggling to come up with an airtight who, try one of these methods: they usually get me unstuck, and I’ve successfully completed dozens of unpublished theoretical page turners.

Rip off the ending of the book you are ripping off

If you are already plagiarizing an existing murder mystery, the solution to your quandary is likely easier than you are making it. How…

Good morning. Tell me Molly, how are your “world-famous” pancakes? Oh, heavenly, are they? I’ll just bet they are. I’ll bet they are. And are they as world-famous as advertised? Haha, at least the part that is Myrtle Beach? Good one, Molly.

Well, now I KNOW you don’t recognize me. Because I sat here asking you that question six months ago, when your answer was “yes they are, sugar”. Can you believe that I still wasn’t sure? …

I know you don’t want to hear this. Because no one wants to believe the worst about their own coat. I didn’t want to believe it myself. Sure, we’ve all heard the stories about coats sleeping around behind our backs. But they’re just stories, right? Wrong. This is real, and the longer we delude ourselves about the reality of our coats having sex, the longer it will take to do something about it. And don’t kid yourself, we do have to do something.

And because I know you’ll choose to doubt my eyes and my common sense before your coat…