Published in The Haven·Jul 12, 2022Member-onlyExcerpts From Star Trek Episodes In Which Someone Goes To The BathroomAdmit it’s all you can think about while enjoying those shows — It is sometimes remarked upon by viewers that we never see the beloved casts of Star Trek shows go to the bathroom. Some even speculate that they do not go to the bathroom in the future depicted by the show. But rest assured, they go. They go near constantly. …Comedy3 min readComedy3 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·May 25, 2022Member-onlyI Have a Publishing Deal with a Publishing EelWhat I’ve learned and how I’ve gotten electrical shocks trying to hug my publisher — As a working writer, naturally I field many questions not only about process but about the business end of things. And honestly, neither is universally applicable to all inquirers. …Writing3 min readWriting3 min read
Published in The Haven·May 25, 2022Member-onlyI Wish The Moving Pictures Could Have FartsUntil then these “silent films” will forever be missing something — The new craze in these United States is “films”, or moving pictures. And they are a true marvel, I don’t deny it. I love them myself, and attend the cinema nearly every week to see the latest. Because they’re good! But not GREAT. What are they missing? I think you…Comedy3 min readComedy3 min read
Published in The Haven·May 7, 2022Member-onlyI Can’t Eat My Deep Dish Pizza Because They Found Fossils In ItIt’s historically significant, I admit, but now what do I have for lunch? — The day was going like any other. It was a little hot out, but otherwise nice. I was running some errands and felt like treating myself. Since I happened to be near an amazing pizzeria, the choice seemed clear. And it felt like the right one as I sat down…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in The Haven·Jan 15, 2022Member-onlyReasons Why My Tuna Sandwich May Be TickingFew of them are encouraging, unfortunately — It’s lunchtime, I decided. So I migrated from the zone of my home I designated “work”, to the part that is “home”, just because I feel more relaxed eating at home, and got out my lunch. To drink, a cherry squeeze-it. For dessert, a grape squeeze-it. And as a side…Comedy3 min readComedy3 min read
Published in The Haven·Jan 10, 2022Member-onlyAllow me to introduce Megafiche: a New, Beefier MicroficheBuckle up, ‘fiche fans, Megafiche blows Microfiche away with few supernatural drawbacks — If you’re anything like me- and let’s get real, everyone is like me in most respects- you still go to the main branch of your local library system to spend hours poring over microfiches of old newspapers, magazines, census records and the like. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in The Haven·Jan 5, 2022Member-onlyI Suspect The Other Team Will Attempt A Quarterback Sneak. Pray Let Me Tell You Why!My reasoning will convince you and be well-worth the long-winded speech — Fellow members of the Arizona State defense, you know me well. I play the free safety position, and have long been known for my cerebral approach to the game. Therefore, I hope you know that what I have to say now you can listen to with the certainty that it…Comedy3 min readComedy3 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Jan 5, 2022Member-onlyI Dream Of Rolling on the River Like Tina TurnerThe great Tina Turner rolls on the Columbia River running through her native Tennessee, and I tried to join her — Here are the known facts: Tina Turner is the greatest of all time. Tina Turner is from Tennessee. The Columbia River runs through Tennessee. And Tina Turner rolls on it. Could I? Damn the consequences, let me be the Icarus to her sun. My first thoughts of rolling involved wheels…Tina Turner4 min readTina Turner4 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Jan 1, 2022Member-onlyMy Stone Soup Restaurant Is Failing, And I Don’t Know What To DoPlease answer my brusque, inflexible plea for help — Last year at this time, I was riding high. I quit my soul-sucking office job (after recovering my soul from the evil boss’ soul well), and used my life savings to start a restaurant. What kind of restaurant? Well, I just so happen to come from the village where some…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published in The Haven·Jan 1, 2022Member-onlyHow I’m Doing With The Continued Absence Of Pizza Box TablesLife has been hard since they got rid of the little plastic thing in pizza boxes — I think we all remember a better day in America. A day of peace, a day of prosperity. A day in which there was a pizza on every table and also two pizzas in every garage. Those pizzas are so that when the person who bought the pizza comes inside…Pizza3 min readPizza3 min read
