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Calder Holbrook
Calder Holbrook

179 Followers

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Published in

The Haven

·Jul 12, 2022

Excerpts From Star Trek Episodes In Which Someone Goes To The Bathroom

Admit it’s all you can think about while enjoying those shows — It is sometimes remarked upon by viewers that we never see the beloved casts of Star Trek shows go to the bathroom. Some even speculate that they do not go to the bathroom in the future depicted by the show. But rest assured, they go. They go near constantly. …

Comedy

3 min read

Excerpts From Star Trek Episodes In Which Someone Goes To The Bathroom
Excerpts From Star Trek Episodes In Which Someone Goes To The Bathroom
Comedy

3 min read


Published in

Greener Pastures Magazine

·May 25, 2022

I Have a Publishing Deal with a Publishing Eel

What I’ve learned and how I’ve gotten electrical shocks trying to hug my publisher — As a working writer, naturally I field many questions not only about process but about the business end of things. And honestly, neither is universally applicable to all inquirers. …

Writing

3 min read

I Have a Publishing Deal with a Publishing Eel
I Have a Publishing Deal with a Publishing Eel
Writing

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·May 25, 2022

I Wish The Moving Pictures Could Have Farts

Until then these “silent films” will forever be missing something — The new craze in these United States is “films”, or moving pictures. And they are a true marvel, I don’t deny it. I love them myself, and attend the cinema nearly every week to see the latest. Because they’re good! But not GREAT. What are they missing? I think you…

Comedy

3 min read

I Wish The Moving Pictures Could Have Farts
I Wish The Moving Pictures Could Have Farts
Comedy

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·May 7, 2022

I Can’t Eat My Deep Dish Pizza Because They Found Fossils In It

It’s historically significant, I admit, but now what do I have for lunch? — The day was going like any other. It was a little hot out, but otherwise nice. I was running some errands and felt like treating myself. Since I happened to be near an amazing pizzeria, the choice seemed clear. And it felt like the right one as I sat down…

Humor

3 min read

I Can’t Eat My Deep Dish Pizza Because They Found Fossils In It
I Can’t Eat My Deep Dish Pizza Because They Found Fossils In It
Humor

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jan 15, 2022

Reasons Why My Tuna Sandwich May Be Ticking

Few of them are encouraging, unfortunately — It’s lunchtime, I decided. So I migrated from the zone of my home I designated “work”, to the part that is “home”, just because I feel more relaxed eating at home, and got out my lunch. To drink, a cherry squeeze-it. For dessert, a grape squeeze-it. And as a side…

Comedy

3 min read

Reasons Why My Tuna Sandwich May Be Ticking
Reasons Why My Tuna Sandwich May Be Ticking
Comedy

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jan 10, 2022

Allow me to introduce Megafiche: a New, Beefier Microfiche

Buckle up, ‘fiche fans, Megafiche blows Microfiche away with few supernatural drawbacks — If you’re anything like me- and let’s get real, everyone is like me in most respects- you still go to the main branch of your local library system to spend hours poring over microfiches of old newspapers, magazines, census records and the like. …

Humor

3 min read

Allow me to introduce Megafiche: a New, Beefier Microfiche
Allow me to introduce Megafiche: a New, Beefier Microfiche
Humor

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jan 5, 2022

I Suspect The Other Team Will Attempt A Quarterback Sneak. Pray Let Me Tell You Why!

My reasoning will convince you and be well-worth the long-winded speech — Fellow members of the Arizona State defense, you know me well. I play the free safety position, and have long been known for my cerebral approach to the game. Therefore, I hope you know that what I have to say now you can listen to with the certainty that it…

Comedy

3 min read

I Suspect The Other Team Will Attempt A Quarterback Sneak. Pray Let Me Tell You Why!
I Suspect The Other Team Will Attempt A Quarterback Sneak. Pray Let Me Tell You Why!
Comedy

3 min read


Published in

Greener Pastures Magazine

·Jan 5, 2022

I Dream Of Rolling on the River Like Tina Turner

The great Tina Turner rolls on the Columbia River running through her native Tennessee, and I tried to join her — Here are the known facts: Tina Turner is the greatest of all time. Tina Turner is from Tennessee. The Columbia River runs through Tennessee. And Tina Turner rolls on it. Could I? Damn the consequences, let me be the Icarus to her sun. My first thoughts of rolling involved wheels…

Tina Turner

4 min read

I Dream Of Rolling on the River Like Tina Turner
I Dream Of Rolling on the River Like Tina Turner
Tina Turner

4 min read


Published in

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

·Jan 1, 2022

My Stone Soup Restaurant Is Failing, And I Don’t Know What To Do

Please answer my brusque, inflexible plea for help — Last year at this time, I was riding high. I quit my soul-sucking office job (after recovering my soul from the evil boss’ soul well), and used my life savings to start a restaurant. What kind of restaurant? Well, I just so happen to come from the village where some…

Humor

4 min read

My Stone Soup Restaurant Is Failing, And I Don’t Know What To Do
My Stone Soup Restaurant Is Failing, And I Don’t Know What To Do
Humor

4 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jan 1, 2022

How I’m Doing With The Continued Absence Of Pizza Box Tables

Life has been hard since they got rid of the little plastic thing in pizza boxes — I think we all remember a better day in America. A day of peace, a day of prosperity. A day in which there was a pizza on every table and also two pizzas in every garage. Those pizzas are so that when the person who bought the pizza comes inside…

Pizza

3 min read

How I’m Doing With The Continued Absence Of Pizza Box Tables
How I’m Doing With The Continued Absence Of Pizza Box Tables
Pizza

3 min read

Calder Holbrook

Calder Holbrook

179 Followers

Calder Holbrook is an LA comedy writer, and an actor most recently seen in Peacock's A.P. Bio.

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