Humor
And in that sense it was a success, even if world dominion was elusive
Now hear this, my pitiful peons! This is the voice of your leader, Dr. Malevolent. And yes, let me address the obvious: we didn’t take over the world.
But does that make ‘Operation Diabolical’ a failure? Sure, if you adopt the narrowest possible view of what “success” means. We didn’t take over the world. We didn’t exterminate the inferior human race and replace it with the progeny of my hand-picked genetic elite. We didn’t kill Special Agent Nichols. And I am, as we speak, bleeding out after a violent confrontation with him.
But enough of “The Didn’ts”, which as you…
I make this decision soberly and with a clear head, unfortunately
Booze in bottles that are like, 11.something ounces have evaded responsibility for their actions for too long. And that’s what “cancel culture” is really about- not just ending someone’s place in society, or a beer’s place in society for not being enough booze to give a good buzz for the buck. It’s about accountability. Accountability for being an emasculating quantity of alcohol.
I find the following alcohols guilty, and sentence them to cancelling:
Peroni
This “fancy” Italian beer seems like it’s going to be great. …
Comedy
There are some things you don’t talk about
First of all, I’m flattered that you think I’m the greatest snitch of all time. But I must decline your request to “pick my brain” about stool-pigeoning. There are some things you just don’t spill your guts about when it comes to spilling your guts.
To me, a mouthy hanger-on in the heavily honor-based field of organized crime, the way in which I tell what I know is one thing I know that I do not tell. There is simply a sacred trust between myself and those to whom I break the trust between myself and other persons, and that…
A Celebrated Writer’s Tale Of Woe
Dearest Winifred,
I had the most singular experience at lunch today, dining with my usual chums from the cream of Jazz Age literati at the Russian Tea Room, that I rushed to dash off a missive to you about it.
The discussion began most normally with talk among us of how Wilton’s lusty new novel had caused QUITE the stir. To put it mildly! Elizabeth herself opined that while society KNOWS there are unmarried women, confronted with one it goes into conniptions.
She then quickly diverted attention, to Mr. Ewing’s new work of shockingly pointed satire, which she alleged had…
No, I did NOT say “being”
Being in the work force is as hard as it has ever been. Whether you are now working from home or still going to an office, the hours are long and increasingly blurred with your personal time, the tasks are unrewarding, and the coworkers can be difficult to deal with. So have you tried beating your own boss?
Allow me to share a personal story: I was very unhappy in my work, once. And I was not even being compensated for that with significant financial remuneration. You will agree that this is an untenable situation! I decided to have a…
Your prayers for something easy to get your father on his birthday have been answered
If you’re like me, you can’t be bothered to form a more complex picture of your father than the single interest that you know for a fact he has, wars. The problem is, the good, fun wars have been tapped. You got him Band Of Brothers. You got him Ken Burns’ The Civil War. And now, you’re running on fumes. What a shame that those wars only lasted a few monstrously bloody years apiece, huh?
That’s what you think! Unbeknownst to the American public, a secret US government policy was enacted to keep fighting towards no tangible war objectives for…
Here are the official kinds of cat names that are allowed
Naming your cat is a big decision with long-lasting implications. You will say this name a lot, in anger. You will pleadingly say this name. Perhaps a couple times you might say it with affection. So it better be good. But paralysis by cat name analysis is real. And cat naming magazine subscriptions are both expensive and lengthy. Who needs 3 whole years of Cat Namer? Plus it’s a weekly!
But I’m here to help! The following are the major categories of cat names that you can pare down to as a preliminary eliminating step.
Species
Just call a spade a…
HUMOR
And I need a shoulder to cry on
Hey. Sorry, I guess I’m down in the dumps a little bit. And you know, I guess it feels like I shouldn’t be, if that makes any sense? It’s just that, I recently closed escrow on a 17.8 million dollar Swiss-style chalet on Lake Tahoe, and so far it’s been nothing but problems, which sucks.
Where to start? Well, I just found out that the bus doesn’t come out this far, when the realtor said “it didn’t look like I would have any problems there.” Well, I have. How am I supposed to get to town? I was hoping not…
I will succeed with the next cockroach.
Suffice it to say that I am a gentleman of leisure with a taste for the finer things in life and an exacting standard of conduct in life. A fellow gentleman had the temerity; the cheek; the sheer gall to declare that I could not turn a common cockroach found on the streets of London into a proper lady and pass it off as such in high society. Well, I took that wager.
And I failed. I was unable to get a cockroach to dress in fine clothes. I was unable to teach it correct diction and pronunciation, or any…
Glass takes so long to replace out here in the wild west
There are many hardships in this frontier town, even though it’s the modern era of the 1870s. But it’s not the daily backbreaking labor that is the worst. Nor is it the spotty at best access to medicine.
And it’s not even the rampant violence, per se, even though I have been winged by pistol and rifle shots on innumerable occasions. No, I would have to say it’s the constant breaking of windows by rowdy cowboys. And I beg of you, please stop. Please.
I get it: you have a lot of violent encounters, and I don’t begrudge you that…
Calder Holbrook
Calder Holbrook is an LA comedy writer, and an actor most recently seen in Peacock's A.P. Bio.
